Pregnant Barbie is Trying to Kill Me!

After a disappointing 3 pound weight loss last month that I attribute to multiple birthday celebrations and weight training, I’m ready to get back on the wagon. The problem is that my gym changed the Monday morning step aerobics instructor after the first of the year. Dena, who taught the class last year, quit teaching in order to train her boyfriend for a triathlon or some nonsense. Dena was tough with her crazy choreography but I could do her class without injury. Sure, I’d get dizzy as hell with all the spins but I felt like I could hang with her. Danielle, the new instructor, is another story entirely.

Danielle is 30 weeks pregnant and has more energy than any person I’ve ever seen! Seriously! She jumps and spins around clutching her baby belly. It’s insane. It hurts me to watch her workout. She seems completely unfazed by the intensity. Danielle wears non-maternity work out clothes so her belly sticks out if she lifts her arms. She’s obviously addicted to tanning since she has nice, deep brown skin and it’s February. Even her belly is tan. She has long blond hair that she ties up in a ponytail that whips around in class. She really does look like Pregnant Barbie.

She teaches a new routine each month “because she doesn’t like to get bored”. Last Monday was the final class of her January choreography. She expected us to have it down and told us to “be prepared to give it all we’ve got.” Uh, riiiiight. She zoomed through the routine in the first 20 minutes then had us do sets of alternating lunges and jumping jacks until I thought I was going to pee my pants. I gritted my teeth and got through it. But I thought I was going to fall off of the step into a pile of goo if she had us lunge around the world one more time. That night my right knee swelled up and I could hardly walk. I actually had to purchase Icy Hot to soothe my aches and pains the next day! My knees aren’t the greatest. They lock up from time to time if I’m sitting in a weird position. But I have never had to nurse a knee sprain from doing an aerobics class before!

I have no clue how she completed the class. When I was pregnant the last thing I wanted to see was the inside of a gym. I was perfectly happy sitting on the couch with my feet propped up nursing a bowl of ice cream. Danielle is the anti-me. She told us that as soon as she’s cleared to come back to teach after the baby we had better watch out because she’s got a ton of weight to lose. I’m not sure how the class could get more difficult. I really don’t. And I’m not sure I want to find out either.

Today was the beginning of a new routine so it was less intense but I’m still sore as can be from all of the squats she made us do. Pregnant Barbie is trying to kill me, you guys. She began today’s class with blaring rap music. I’m sure all the retirees in the class appreciated that. I cannot even imagine what the end of the month will be like. Pray for me knees.