I hang on to clothes like none other. It’s as if I believe that these horrendous styles will come back in fashion some day. Perhaps I have an underlying fear that all of my cooler, more fashionable clothes will one day vanish and I’ll thank my lucky stars that I have my circa 1994 college jeans with which to clothe myself?! Ha! As if that will happen… I’m no longer a size seven. In fact, I don’t wear any pants from the juniors department anymore. That’s what marriage, having a desk job and then bearing two children will do to you. Thank you, mature, grown-up life. Thank you very much.
Seriously, I had so many pants in my closet that it was embarrassing. The clothing bar holding them was bowing under the pant bulk. I had high-waisted, tapered legged jeans. I had professional trousers from my days as an engineer and MBA student. I had pants I had never worn for various reasons ranging from “I’ll fit into them some day…” to “WTF was I thinking when I bought these?!” I found one pair of black pants that were made of the most awful material. I’m pretty sure that they could stand on their own and if I set fire to them they’d probably melt into a black ooze. Ugh! They were made of the worst of the worst synthetics. Again, what was I thinking?! I found a hideous pair of high-waisted capri pants that I bought for a cruise. They had this atrocious Japanese fan print on them. I don’t think I ever donned them, not even on the cruise.
It’s like I’ve had this weird pants collection going for 15 years. I would willingly give merchants money for their most awful pants. And I would hoard the ugly pants in my closet long enough for them to develop a layer of dust on the fold over the hanger. Yes, my closet is dusty. We’ve done a lot of home improvement projects, okay?! Dust flies when you renovate. I would move these pants too. From closet to closet, I would take my ugly pants where ever I would go… Until today. No more!
I did it. I did a pants reality check. I asked myself a series of questions when I looked at each pair:
- Are these from high school?
- Are these from college?
- Do these fit me? (either optimistically too small or post-baby huge?)
- Is that a hole in the butt pocket?
- Are embroidered jeans “in” anymore?
- Do these have tapered legs?
- Are these missing any buttons?
- Is the zipper broken?
- Would my grandmother wear these?
- Do these qualify as “mom” jeans?
If I answered “yes” to any of the above questions, the pants were immediately heaped into the “get the hell out of my house” pile. People, I had three huge bags overflowing with pants. I also threw out deformed plastic hangers that were the result of years of gravity tugging the ugly pants down to the Earth. It was pitiful. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I was a pants-hoarder. But I must say that I feel liberated now! No more disastrous pants!
If you think I’m now left with nothing to wear from the waist down. I say, “Oh, no, no!” I still have a bunch of pants left hanging in my closet. These are ones that I might actually wear this century, this year, or even tomorrow. It feels good to get this purging adventure off of my chest. Thanks for listening…
Adventures of Four 