Dreaded Bliss

J and I are invited to the wedding of one of his old high school and neighborhood acquaintances.  I wouldn’t call them friends but they ran in the same circles growing up.  The wedding is on Friday at the Crowne Plaza.  I guess it’s supposed to be a casual, beachy-type affair as all of the groomsmen will be wearing Hawaiian shirts and flip flops and the bride is wearing blue.  Normally, I’d be looking forward to attending such an event.  I’m all for a tropical, beachside weddings.  I’m not looking forward to this particular ceremony because the groom is a man of dubious character to say the least.  I don’t know the bride at all.

You see, the groom, we’ll call him “Captain”, attended our wedding eight years ago.  Wait, I take that back.  Captain did not come to our wedding ceremony just the reception.  We had an open bar and he was a bachelor.  I’m pretty certain that he came for the free beer and food.  In true, classy Captain fashion he did not give us a wedding gift.

To demonstrate another example of Captain’s classiness, I’ll describe his wedding invitation.  It was a very pretty, professionally printed invitation.  The wording was lovely except for the fine print at the bottom.  It said something like this: “Since the bride and groom will be combining households they will not be registering.  Monetary gifts are greatly appreciated.”  I didn’t quote it exactly because I tossed the tacky thing in the trash.  I should have taken a photo!  Oh, and the RSVP cards did not have stamps on them.  Sweet!  Miss Manners would flip her lid!

Personally, I blame the bride-to-be more than Captain for the invitation debacle.  I’m pretty sure that was her task in the wedding process, right?  Usually invitation responibilities befall the bride-to-be.  If that’s the case, I’m doubtful that she and I are going to be best buds when we finally meet on Friday.  My first impression of her is how she asked me for money and made me put my own stamp on my RSVP.  I plan to eat my fill of the chicken at dinner at the reception 🙂

All of the above ranting is merely fluff when I compare it to the real reasons for calling Captain’s character dubious.  A long time ago, Captain used to be a cop.  He was a very crooked cop.  By crooked, I mean he was racist and brutal.  He would tell stories of horrific things that he would do to people.  It made my stomach hurt to listen to him gloat about how he’d unleash his K-9 partner on a person.  The dog would maul the criminal to within an inch of his life.  There are other more disturbing stories that I just cannot tell.  Thankfully, Captain has been fired from the police force due to excessive use of violence.

His personal life is supposedly no better.  I’ve heard rumors of abuse and cheating.  I don’t know if the stories are true.  I don’t want to know.  I just get a sinking feeling every time I’m around Captain.  It’s my intuition telling me to beware.  To be honest, I’m a little scared for the bride-to-be and her two daughters.  Friends of Captain say that he’s changed his ways and for his new family’s sake, I hope they’re right.

There are a couple of bad omens swirling around this wedding too.  The bachelor party (to which J was not invited) was supposed to be a chartered fishing trip last weekend.  It was canceled due to high seas.  There was no back up plan.  The groomsmen decided to do nothing for Captain.  That kind of says a lot about your friends, Captain.  The other bad omen is that Hurricane Hanna will be sitting off our coast on Friday.  The wedding may take place during hurricane or tropical storm conditions.

So, it is with a heavy heart that I’m going to the wedding on Friday.  I bought a bottle of champagne as a gift.  J didn’t want to give the couple anything but I just can’t do that.