Flashback Friday

I was given a couple of terrific gifts this week.  The first being an opportunity to reconnect with my dad’s side of the family at a birthday party for my cousin and aunt (my dad’s sister).  I was able to re-establish a relationship with this side of my family at the baby shower last month and was thrilled to be included in the small family gathering this week.  The party was at my dad’s mom’s (my Nana’s) house.  It was so nice just to be there among people I haven’t really seen in so long.  J, the boys and I filled up on lots of yummy food.  It was such a nice evening.

Later on, after most everyone had gone home, I asked my grandmother if she had any of my childhood pictures that I could have.  Sadly, I have precious few photos of myself from 0-18-years old.  My parents divorced when I was four.  My mom has been married and divorced three times in all.  My life was always in turmoil growing up.  We moved all the time.  I went to 6 different elementary schools.  Pictures from my childhood have been shuffled around, lost or stowed away somewhere.  I have no clue where they are anymore.

Nana went into her bedroom and pulled out two albums full of pictures of me.  I couldn’t believe it!  She said that she had more pictures of me than any of her other grandkids and that I was welcome to take them all.  Being her first and only grandchild for seven years will do that I suppose.  I was shocked and delighted all at once.  I told her that I would scan the photos I wanted and would return the originals to her.  I certainly did not want to rob her of her photos.  But what a treasure!

My Nana took care of me from babyhood through about second grade.  Most of my fondest, carefree memories are of being with her at her house.  She was kind and I felt so safe with her.  So loved.

Here are a few of the photos that my uncle took of me.  I was four-years-old and we were outside at my Nana’s house.

Thanks to the thoughtful writing on the back, I know that these were taken on February 7, 1980.

The last one is my favorite.

What a gift to see evidence of those happy days once again!

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Mother’s Day 2011

If the truth be told, Mother’s Day Weekend 2011 was a bit awkward.  Originally, I had planned to be totally selfish on Sunday.  I just wanted to spend the day with J and the boys- brunch at the Crowne Plaza followed by a trip to the beach.  I didn’t feel like hosting brunch at my house for my mom and J’s mom like I had done for the past several years.  Tension between my side of the family and me has caused me not to want to host family functions anymore.  Since my mom pretty much opted to spend Easter without us except for a drive-by basket drop off for the boys, I didn’t felt like putting much emphasis on Mother’s Day this year.  But I felt bad for not planning something special for my mother-in-law since she helps us out so much with watching the boys.  However, my conscious would not let me do something for my mother-in-law and not include my mom (although my own mother has no problem with such things).  So, I opted to plan nothing and sent flowers instead.

Then a text message changed everything late last week…

My aunt invited us to join the family to celebrate Steph’s birthday and Mother’s Day on Saturday night at a local restaurant.  Ugh!  Admittedly, I was torn but accepted anyway to keep the peace.  J and I schlepped the boys over to meet up with family (my mom, my aunt, Steph and her sister, Auntie Jo).  They chose to sit at the tiki bar out back with the live band.  It was loud and uncomfortable sitting on bar stools.  The only thing we could find for the boys on the limited bar menu was chicken fingers.  I ordered a couple of mojitos just to cope with the tension.

Steph’s kids were not there but Steph’s 63-year-old boyfriend was.  The more he drank the more touchy-feely he got with Steph and the more uncomfortable the rest of us became.  Our poor waitress was totally confused when she stopped by to check on us and the person she probably assumed was the father was making out with the person she assumed was the daughter…

Mr. Suave managed to spill a martini on himself and his dinner.  Then moved on to sing the praises of Elvis Presley.  Quote: “No one who has ever been on American Idol has had the talent that Elvis had in his pinky…”

Thanks.  You’re totally dated yourself, pal.

Mr. Charming further impressed me by quizzing Auntie Jo, a 28-year-old, on the writers of the 70’s folk songs the band was singing.  When she couldn’t answer the first question (Arlo Guthrie) and laughed it off by saying it was before her time.  He condescendingly spouted, “Well, Abraham Lincoln was president before I was born and I know who he was!”

I had to restrain myself from asking him if he knew any pop songs and song writers from the civil war because that was a more accurate comparison.

We trudged through the meal, the drinks and the pie that my aunt brought for Steph’s birthday.  My kids were a cute distraction from the necking at the end of the table.  I’m just sorry they had to witness that crap.  Everyone else at the table swiveled themselves away from the blatant PDA.  Even though it was totally inappropriate and awkward for everyone, my aunt, mom and Auntie Jo tried their best to act as though everything was perfectly normal and they were having a good time.

I’m really not sure what kind of birthday celebration it was supposed to be because I’m the only one who brought a gift…  After I gave Steph her present we all thankfully called it an evening.  We couldn’t get to the car fast enough!

On Sunday, we invited J’s parents to join us for brunch at the Crowne Plaza.  It was the most normal, well-adjusted experience!  We all had a wonderful time eating outside under a tent by the ocean.  It was how Mother’s Day should be.

The boys clearly enjoyed the treats from the chocolate fountain 🙂

Is it possible to travel on all holidays both major and minor to avoid the BS of my family?  Probably not but, believe me, I’d like to!

Hot and Cold Stone

T-bone had two very different birthday parties last week.

One was well-planned, full of laughter, music and games.  It was a house party at Big Red’s.  There was an almost endless supply of food: appetizers, pizza, cake…  The lime sherbet and Sprite punch was an instant hit with both children and adults alike.  Conversation flowed effortlessly.  The children danced and played like it was their job.  Before we knew it, 4 hours had passed and the party was still going strong.  It was a Friday night and no one cared.  It was HOT!

The other party was a last minute affair set up more out of obligation than a desire to enjoy each others company.  Invitations were sent in the form of an impersonal mass text.  It was an ice cream party at our local Cold Stone.  The party was held late in the evening on a Tuesday (a school night) so it was a rushed affair.  No lingering when the event starts at 7 PM and bedtime is at 8 PM…  Steph chose this event to finally bring her boyfriend out of hiding.  I would say “introduce her boyfriend to me” but that was not the case.  He introduced himself and she ignored me for the first half hour of the party.  Tension was palpable among the adults.  It was COLD!

To be fair, the children (the exact same children that attended each party) had a good time at both events.  But the same could not be said for the adults.  My friend, B, Jon and I felt extremely uncomfortable at Cold Stone.

I haven’t really addressed the problems between myself and Steph here.  But it’s clear from her noticeable absence in my posts that we do not hang out anymore.  It’s an extremely complicated, drama-filled mess really.  At the heart of it is Steph’s relationship with her boyfriend.  I should call him a manfriend since he is a good 10 years older than both of her parents…  And, really, the 31-year age gap isn’t the problem.  It’s the lies surrounding their relationship that have made me see Steph in a completely different light.  I’m not sure I ever really knew her.

I’m in a tough situation because Steph is my family.  My mom is her aunt and her mom is my aunt.  They’re all- Steph, my mom and my aunt- divorced and somewhat bitter.  The women in my family are 100% in support of Steph and 100% opposed to Big Red even though there are some major, major ethical issues surrounding Steph’s relationship with the boyfriend.  Ethical issues that transcend my blind support just because she’s family.  I cannot do it.

Over time I have come to see Big Red’s side of things.  I wasn’t able to see his side for a very long time because I was so wrapped up in helping Steph.  As with any conflict, there are two sides.  I can’t tell you how bad I feel about simply believing the stuff Steph told me about Big Red and not finding out his story sooner.  But I trusted her.

Today, I am very thankful for knowing both sides of their story.  Neither party is blameless, of course, but neither is Big Red the monster that he was made out to be…  Because I am still friends with Big Red, I have become kind of an outcast from the women in my family.  They want me to fall in line with the man-hating and blind support of one another because we’re family.  That’s simply not enough for me.  I don’t get to choose my family, unfortunately, but I do get to choose who is in my life.  Because I have chosen not to play games, perpetuate lies and shun Big Red, I, in turn, have been shunned.

To be honest, it’s never felt better.

I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  I don’t have toxic people surrounding me much anymore.  Life is pretty sweet out here on the fringe.  That’s what I call where I am today- the fringe.  I don’t have to deal with the emotionally draining, self-centered crap that used to take it’s toll on me.  I have chosen to be happy and things are so good right now!

I hope this helps to clarify some of the problems that have been going on in the background.  I surely cannot go into too much detail but just know that I am in a much better place now.  My husband and kids are too because I am a happier person.

If the only thing I have to deal with is the occasional awkward birthday party or holiday, I can manage.  The people I’ve chosen to surround myself with these days build me up so that I can handle pretty much anything that comes my way.