I hang on to clothes like none other. It’s as if I believe that these horrendous styles will come back in fashion some day. Perhaps I have an underlying fear that all of my cooler, more fashionable clothes will one day vanish and I’ll thank my lucky stars that I have my circa 1994 college jeans with which to clothe myself?! Ha! As if that will happen… I’m no longer a size seven. In fact, I don’t wear any pants from the juniors department anymore. That’s what marriage, having a desk job and then bearing two children will do to you. Thank you, mature, grown-up life. Thank you very much.

Seriously, I had so many pants in my closet that it was embarrassing. The clothing bar holding them was bowing under the pant bulk. I had high-waisted, tapered legged jeans. I had professional trousers from my days as an engineer and MBA student. I had pants I had never worn for various reasons ranging from “I’ll fit into them some day…” to “WTF was I thinking when I bought these?!” I found one pair of black pants that were made of the most awful material. I’m pretty sure that they could stand on their own and if I set fire to them they’d probably melt into a black ooze. Ugh! They were made of the worst of the worst synthetics. Again, what was I thinking?! I found a hideous pair of high-waisted capri pants that I bought for a cruise. They had this atrocious Japanese fan print on them. I don’t think I ever donned them, not even on the cruise.

It’s like I’ve had this weird pants collection going for 15 years. I would willingly give merchants money for their most awful pants. And I would hoard the ugly pants in my closet long enough for them to develop a layer of dust on the fold over the hanger. Yes, my closet is dusty. We’ve done a lot of home improvement projects, okay?! Dust flies when you renovate. I would move these pants too. From closet to closet, I would take my ugly pants where ever I would go… Until today. No more!

I did it. I did a pants reality check. I asked myself a series of questions when I looked at each pair:

  1. Are these from high school?
  2. Are these from college?
  3. Do these fit me? (either optimistically too small or post-baby huge?)
  4. Is that a hole in the butt pocket?
  5. Are embroidered jeans “in” anymore?
  6. Do these have tapered legs?
  7. Are these missing any buttons?
  8. Is the zipper broken?
  9. Would my grandmother wear these?
  10. Do these qualify as “mom” jeans?

If I answered “yes” to any of the above questions, the pants were immediately heaped into the “get the hell out of my house” pile. People, I had three huge bags overflowing with pants. I also threw out deformed plastic hangers that were the result of years of gravity tugging the ugly pants down to the Earth. It was pitiful. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I was a pants-hoarder. But I must say that I feel liberated now! No more disastrous pants!

If you think I’m now left with nothing to wear from the waist down. I say, “Oh, no, no!” I still have a bunch of pants left hanging in my closet. These are ones that I might actually wear this century, this year, or even tomorrow. It feels good to get this purging adventure off of my chest. Thanks for listening…